the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
