apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
