At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
