have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
