Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
