I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
