I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
