I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
