I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Your penis caused this!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
