imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
