I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
