i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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