Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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