Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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