Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
