he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We're using joints as your birthday candles
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
