I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is an emotional support booty call
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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