I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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