Already got asked if we're dating
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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