sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
