I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
