when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
