Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
