I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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