omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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