my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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