Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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