My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
