went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
