i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
