There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
