Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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