I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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