I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
