ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
