I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
This is the high leading the old right now
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
