This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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