I didn't shave. On purpose
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
