You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize