My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
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Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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