dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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