Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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