so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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