Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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