I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
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