I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
