my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
