i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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