I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
