Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Randomize
