Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
no. you can't hotbox the world.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
