I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
