Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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