i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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