If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
